This is the year when most of my friends and I turn thirty. And though many of my friends are not married or have children, there is now a handful, well, really only one that is married and recently had a baby. Suddenly, I’ve become a new kind of aunt and a new kind of friend.

New mommies have it hard – not only do they have to figure out how to be a mommy, but they also have to figure out how to maintain the life they had before the baby arrived. It can be difficult –and scary -- task. For a new mom, I imagine it’s difficult to have close friends who are not married or have children. Maybe that’s why many new mothers get excited once they find playgroups or activities where they can meet other new mommies. It makes total sense. It’s harder to maintain friendships when one person can’t relate to the other, and has no clue what they’ve been through, or are going through. As hard as this can be on the mommy, it’s also difficult for those without children.

What About Auntie?
Being a friend to someone who is getting married doesn’t necessarily change the “friend” role that you play. Why? Because you still know what’s going on. Your friend can still call you up and say, “My husband and I got into an argument about tomatoes,” and you’ll know how to respond to her. She could tell you “My husband and I aren’t being intimate enough,” and you can draw from experiences of previous relationships to give guidance. But once the focus shifts to a baby, it can be hard to relate if you don’t have one.

I know I’ve written about this before. That feeling of “you don’t have kids and you don’t know what it’s like” – but this is a bit different. What I’m talking about is being the go-to person for your friend and then suddenly you’re not. Being the right hand man and then not being needed. It’s strange because I feel like the only thing I can give a friend with a baby is my sister. Does that sound strange? The only common ground I have in the area of babies is that my sister had one. And I’ve found myself often saying, “If you want to talk to my sister I’m sure she’d love to help.” Or others ask, “How was it with your sister? Did she have this issue?”

Out Of Touch
My thought was validated on a recent visit to my dermatologist. He’s thirty-something and I’m not really sure how we got on the topic, but he said that he no longer had any friends without kids. He said there reached a point when all he and his wife would do was talk about their kids – and to do this with friends without kids didn’t have the same rhythm as with others that were parents. Pretty much when going out with other parents there was a common ground for discussion – their children.

It’s weird to feel out of place in a friendship. Strange that if a friend called me up at six in the morning because she’s having a problem with the baby I wouldn’t know how to respond. I’m feeling helpless because I don’t know how to help.

What's Next?
There’s a part of me that wonders what it will be like in the coming years. Let’s say I don’t have kids for a while – sure, maybe I’ll be better prepared to help because I’ve gone through certain situations with others, but I won’t be able to chime in about a child’s first day at school or a recent chicken pox breakout.

So it makes me wonder if there does come a time when friendships between mommies and
non-mommies end, no matter how close the bond was from before.

Fellow Aunties, do you have a hard time finding common ground with your friends once they've had children?

Cynthia Kane  is a freelance writer and editor who has recently become a Savvy Auntie!